I had different post ready for today, but in light of the news this week, it didn’t seem appropriate to ignore what is going on in our country right now.
I wanted to share how I am feeling. I am struggling, as I imagine so many others are too. How is this the country we live in? How is this the world I am raising my daughters in? I am feeling challenged today because at the beginning of the year instead of a New Years resolution, I decided to choose a word that will carry me through the year, last year it was Mindfulness. When things got difficult or I got frustrated about my situation I tried to be mindful, focus on my breath and drop into the moment. It helped. And I still use this as a calming practice, especially when I get heated about something.
This year my word is Acceptance. It comes from a place inside me, of where I want to be, accepting of myself, my body, my abilities and all that I have in the current moment and not grasping for more. It is also a goal for me to be accepting of others. To try and see what they bring to the world, and when I feel challenged try and understand what their struggles might be and how they got to the situation they are in.
Today, I am having a hard time resonating with this word. Trying to comprehend how domestic terrorists could attack our capital, I can’t for the life of me understand why people would act in such harmful ways. I can’t get my head around how people can be so dedicated to a leader who is so dangerous, evil and manipulative. I am at a loss of what to do.
Instead of feeding my worry with food or drowning myself in wine, I am choosing self care. That doesn’t mean I didn’t scroll through social media and feel my blood start to boil, oh I did that, but then I decided how I wanted to react. I took a walk, I did yoga, I took a shower, during lunch we turned the radio on to music (not NPR) and I checked in with my kids. I sat down at my desk and I wrote down how I felt. I will deliver food for the food bank this afternoon and it will feel good to help people in need. And for now, thats the best I can do. I might still have a drink tonight, but it will be a choice, not a reaction. I am sure there is more I can do, but today, as I am grappling with my word for the year, I am accepting my feelings for what they are and I am focusing on self care.
*These are my feelings as of Thursday afternoon (to be posted Friday morning), I am adding this in because I am not coming back to edit and in these crazy days, a lot can happen over an evening.